A man deposits $1,000 cash into his bank account every day.
The bank employees start getting a little suspicious and tell the manager about the customer. The manager tells them to let him know next time he makes a deposit. Surely enough, the next day, he comes with 1k in cash to deposit into his account. The tellers tell the man that the manager would like to see him. The manager, who sits in a giant glass office on the bank floor, welcomes the man and then asks him how he gets $1,000 to put in every day. The man tells him “well, I make a lot of bets and that’s where all the money is from.” The manager doesn’t believe how he can make all that money just by betting, so the man says “okay then, I bet you $1,000 I can bite my eye.”
“That’s impossible.” Says the manager, and places $1,000 on the table.
The man takes out his glass eye, bites it, and takes the money. “Okay, that’s not fair to you. You didn’t know I had a glass eye. I bet you double that I can bite my ear!” The manager thinks that it’s impossible and is desperate to make his money back. “Deal.”
The man then takes out his dentures and bites his ear. The manager is embarrassed and upset he’s lost all that money on a stupid bet. The man notices this and says “Okay, you seem upset. I’ll make it up to you fair and square. Tomorrow I’ll come back and I bet you $5,000 I can guess what color underwear you’re wearing.”
The manager thinks this over and sees that there’s no way the man will be able to guess and agrees. He later goes shopping for the craziest, most colorful pair of underwear he can find. The next day, the man is back in the manager’s office. The manager goes “Alright then, try and guess what color I’m wearing. I’m more than certain that you’ll never be able to.”
“White.” The man says.
The manager jumps up, takes the money, and yelps “AHA! WRONG!” and pulls down his pants to reveal rainbow colored underwear.
The man jumps up and yelps “AHA! I WIN!”
The manager is confused and says “what are you talking about? You guessed wrong and lost the bet.”
“Yeah, I lost that bet. But I also bet all your employees out there watching that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
An engineer dies and goes to hell. He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels, although they still cannot watch Breaking Bad on AMC.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what’s up?
The Devil says, “Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.”
“What?” says God. “An engineer? I didn’t send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.”
The Devil responds, “No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.”
God demands, “If you don’t send him to me immediately, I’ll sue!”
The Devil laughs. “Where are You going to get a lawyer?”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”