Weekend Smiles

One liners guaranteed to make you at least smile!

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high.

She looked surprised.

I poured root beer into a square cup. Now I just have beer.

Doctor: “I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol.”

Patient: “That’s ok. I will come back when you are sober.”

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

By searching for Fresh Prints.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend… but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever… So far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

I once worked at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near it.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it.

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he wants a drink. “I think not.” he replies… and disappears.

The waiter comes up to the guy and says, “And how did you find your steak, sir?”

“I just moved my potato and there it was!”

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.

And as he said, this job ain’t for everyone. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

Really!

An old man goes to the barber shop for a haircut. While cutting the man’s hair, the barber asks if he’d like a shave. The man says, “I would, but my skin is so wrinkly now, you’d have trouble getting everything.” The barber pulls out a couple wooden balls and says, “You can just use these! Stick one in each cheek and it’ll smooth out your skin so I can shave it. Just be careful not to swallow them!”

So, the old man pops the balls in his mouth and, sure enough, they stretch his cheeks and the barber gives him the closest shave he’s had in a long time. After taking the balls out, the old man asks, “Out of curiosity, what would happen if I swallowed them?”

“Oh, not much,” said the barber. “You just go home and pass them the next day, then just rinse ‘em off and bring ‘em back like the other guys do.”

Time for the prom!

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

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